Life tends to smack us in the face when we are not paying enough attention. Most of us, myself included, go through our daily routine without even thinking about it. We get so wrapped up in the little things and life is one big rush, we sometimes forget to stop and process.
Life smacked me in the face today. The past few days have been a blur for me. Worrying about getting to the grocery stores, worrying about what to make for dinner, and worrying about my house getting more cluttered by the minute. I have been talking about transplant on this blog, on the phone, and in a speech I made at my Toastmasters class last night. Transplant, transplant, transplant. It's all I have talked about, yet I've barely had a chance to think about it.
I seem to go days without processing what is happening to me. But life is always good at making us stop, just enough to really think about what is going on.
Today I cried. Life hit me hard. Transplant is really going to happen for me. Being on a list will happen soon and quite frankly that scared the shit out of me. Between my sobs on my husband's shoulder, words came out like intense, strange, and weird. This is bigger than me and my strong attitude.
I realized today my routines are going to start changing, I need to focus more on myself, and I need to concentrate on eating and getting as strong as possible. I guess you could say, life just got real. More real than I have felt since starting this whole process.
I will leave you with this. Life will catch up to you, it always does. It will smack you in the face when you are not paying enough attention. My life made me cry today, life sat me down and told me to stop talking and just feel. I think I listened pretty well.
Maggie
P.S. The rest of the day is dedicated to eating a lot of popcorn and watching TV.
I had a life smacking day yesterday so I feel your pain. *hugs* you are going to get through this and it will be worth it. :) Miss you!
ReplyDeleteYou're amazing, Maggie! I can't wait to see you again soon and know that I think of you often! Hugs, Mark H.
ReplyDeleteDon't be afraid to slow down and listen to all those feelings. I'm sure you can tell how good it feels to accept them and let them out. It will keep you calm through this trying time. Remember, you've done so well with your fight so far. The rules are going to change some, but you are still the same tough person who doesn't want to be stopped. When you get scared try to think of what parts may be similar, and your strength of taking care of yourself. You have tremendous love and support around you, so don't be afraid to lean on that as well. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteMaggie, I love your Blog! I think it's great that you are keeping it real. Your blog is a great idea for you and for your readers. We used a site called CarePages to relay information about Scott, but this blog is so much better. I wish you all the best with your transplant journey.
ReplyDeleteScott's five month post-transplant anniversary was this past Saturday. He is doing very well and (thank God) he hasn't experienced rejection to date. The early part of this year was a wild roller coaster ride, but we got through it (just like you will). Your PFTs are double what Scott's were when he was listed last Fall, so there's lots of hope that your journey will go smoother. We will keep you in our prayers.
Love, Wendy
I've just sent you a whole message that has disappeared! As Tom will tell you, I'm a bit of a technology dinosaur..........I'll keep it short this time and say i wish you all the very best with Tom at your side. Sending Big Love and Hope Mina xx
ReplyDeleteMags,
ReplyDeleteWe're all there for you -anytime you want to vent ! You've always been a prolific writer and speaker so keep up the good work. Lovies, Anti-Val
Huzzah for popcorn and TV. Yes, life has a way of gobsmacking us when we least expect it, Maggie. I don't know about you- maybe you have a less convoluted time with your CF, and with admitting when you need to slow down. Maybe because men are expected to be strong and stoic, I tend to ignore my CP until it absolutely refuses to be ignored. I just throw myself into whirlwind routine to distract myself and to PROVE I can do the tasks expected of me, not only as good as some hypothetical "everyone else"- but BETTER than everyone else and I'm often hell-bent on proving that to anyone and everyone. I feel embarrassed just admitting that to you, but I had to say it. It makes me really ashamed to ask for help even when I need it- I always have to maintain some idea of bravery and strength.
ReplyDeleteSo I guess what I'm saying is, don't be like me! I had a first date with someone who was a former physical therapist and evaluated me the way a therapist would and I verbally eviscerated this person just for focusing on my CP instead of me. LOL.
Don't be embarrassed or ashamed, don't feel weak or less-than if you need to slow down. Feel free to admit to "everyone else", to the world, and to yourself- most of all, to YOURSELF- when you need to slow down, when you need to cry, when you need to be sick, when you need to do whatever, and don't beat yourself up over it. It doesn't make you wrong, it just makes you human. And hey, part of wisdom is knowing your limits, and knowing when you absolutely positively MUST veg out, eat popcorn and watch TV to cope with life.
Big hugs to you, Maggie!